Slow-paced Comedian Pillows

'Just look at it ! - your tortoise has been on the rampage again!'

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'She'll never look for me here.'

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

Happy Brithday

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

Canoeing Incorrectly

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5

Monet At Open Mic Night

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis."

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.