Slow-paced Comedian Pillows

'Just look at it ! - your tortoise has been on the rampage again!'

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'She'll never look for me here.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

Infinity Tavern

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

Happy Brithday

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

Canoeing Incorrectly

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

Monet At Open Mic Night

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis."

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.