Sedentary Comedian Pillows

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

"I told you. . . use your inside miming."

"They remove people who have become 'jammed in armchairs' due to COVID 19 lockdown!"

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

Happy Brithday

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis."

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'I always said I was a lover, not a fighter, but that was before I got married.'

School of mime has notice on board: 'No talking in class.'

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Deadly Sins Dept. Envy. Lust. Sloth. Pride. Greed. Wrath. Gluttony. At times it seems like it should be, but "oversharing" is not a deadly sin.

'How many calories do you burn by downloading apps?'

"Looks like a case of Death by Missed Adventure."

Mime Fights: 'I think you broke my jaw!"

"I spend so much time sitting at my desk, my chair now suffers from separation anxiety. I only left for lunch, and it had to follow me."

"He nibbled though the rotten skirting and then got squashed by my porn mags."

Working from home

I know it's been ages since my last confession, but I trust you've been getting my texts?

"I'm not sure what that feels like."

"Right now, I'm walking the dog."

Pandemic Pitfall!

'I've got to do something about my insomnia. I didn't sleep a wink at work today.'