Sedentary Satire Enthusiast Pillows

'Do I stay active? Just look at the callous on my thumb from using the remote control.'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

reincarnated worm...

The height of fashion in 1796

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

The Grasshopper's Feast: A Prophetic Vision

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Meat Grinder

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

Turkish Democracy

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'