Surgical Satirist Gifts

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

"Doesn't seem to matter how carefully you put them back together you always end up with pieces left over."

"Guess what face I'm making now."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

Vasectomy Unit - 'Anyone for a quick round of hacky sack.....?'

'Okay, let's have the thing. You know the thing. That muscley pumpy thing. For Pete's sake, the thing that came in the cooler."'

'Sponge diving, Bob?'

'This is serious. He has an enlarged heart and a shrunken pocket book.'

'Can I do the procedure without putting you under? Sure, if you're one of those people who doesn't mind extreme pain and the sight of blood.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'Golf War Syndrome.'

"Two more of these and we;ll let you loose on the simulator."

"He was right. . . He really did have a novel in him."

"OK, see... I can do it! Now can I be your surgeon?"

"Clamp, spreader, and that Swiss Army Knife..."

"The procedure is very simple. First we carefully remove your skin, then we chop you into tiny pieces before frying you in olive oil."

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

'Nurse Wilhelm will be live-blogging the whole procedure.'

"Let me know when you want to start the operation."

"First one to peek pays the other's malpractice premiums for the year."

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

Virtual Doctor

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"Satisfaction, stat!"

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'