Sugar-conscious Jokester Gifts

'I thought I told you to cut down on sugar.'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Weight Gain Denial

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

"Is it working?"

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."