Sugar-conscious Jokester Pillows

'I thought I told you to cut down on sugar.'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"One slice—hold the bread."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Eat lots of carrots."

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

Formally foods that were good for you.

"Is it working?"

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'