Health-conscious Jokester Gifts

'NO. Tobacco plants do NOT count as one of your 5 vegetable portions'

' ... and a side order of statins.'

Larry didn't go anywhere without his Gut-O-Traveller.

"Where did we go wrong? Steven is the only child in his class without a food allergy."

'I've got to watch my health - I'm Type 2 diabolic!'

I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink.

The Modern Daredevil.

'You passed the physical, but your underwear is on the critical list.'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

DIY ready meals.

Small man to tall smoker: "It's not big or clever you know."

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

Pre-digested convenience foods.

'If you want me to play 'Smoke gets in your eyes', I'll have to read you this Surgeon General's warning first.'

"No beans for you, you're on a fart free diet."

The Grimm Ready Meal

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

At your age, you need to stop sowing wild oats in order to postpone your date with the grim reaper.

"You seem to be suffering from a bit of 'fluid retention', mainly beer and wine."

"No idea if it's gluten free, Hansel. Can't you just eat the stupid thing?"

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

"Do you guys serve beer?"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Side effects may include....'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Moo-Magrams Exams

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'