Health Jokester Gifts

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

Mrs. Kimball, it's difficult to discuss your restless leg syndrome when you keep wandering off.

'Look at me! A single draught a day!'

"I'm afraid there is no cure for what you have, but it's not contagious, which is a relief. Because I've been like, touching you and stuff."

'You need to stop sleeping with your mouth open . . . I'm finding a lot of roach droppings in here . . .'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'To what do I owe my get-up-and-go? My prostate.'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"I should be coughing more easily - I've been practising all night!"

"Thank goodness she hasn't reached 'Hypochonria' yet!"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Lactose Intolerant

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Providing Healthcare For All

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

Virtual Doctor

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.