Health-minded Jokester Gifts

"I follow a Mediterranean diet."

"Do you guys serve beer?"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Side effects may include....'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Groups of menopausal women in clinic.

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

NHS notice - This is a bring your own bed hospital

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"You're in the "Stone Age." You've got kidney stones, gall stones, and bladder stones."

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"I didn't even get a balloon."