Health-conscious Humorist Gifts

You really need to be careful about touching your face."

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

Hazard of texting

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

Theater masks wearing face masks

'Holding in your stomach won't help, sir.'

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

"You're not allergic to molds or pollen. But you are interest-rate sensitive."

'We've had reports you're an unfit mother.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"Eat lots of carrots."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Chicken pox, Detox, Botox

'The doctor said I need more calcium in my diet, so I'm switching from dark chocolate to milk chocolate.'

"After extensive X-Rays and blood tests, we've confirmed what we already suspected - You're not big boned, your fat."

'No, being forty is not the result of an aging disease.'

'No thanks. I read somewhere that late night snacking can be bad for your health.'

'Ah! This is the life...' - 'No phones. No computers. No hassle.' - 'All I have to do is lie out in the sun...' - '...and fret endlessly about skin cancer.'

Good for you/Good for you in moderation.

'I eat plenty of fast food, but I just seem to be getting slower and slower!'

'And I bet that's only the packaging!'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

It occurred to Norman that he was using far, far too much salt.

'Lose weight? -- Why do I always get the health-nut doctors?'

'You're going to go on a diet.'

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'You need to drink more water, Mr. Cameron.' 'AND RUIN MY WHISKY?!'

"You look great but the information from your health monitor is concerning me."

"I don't think you two should see each other anymore. It turns out that he has a nut allergy."

Mobile Phones - "It goes ping when your brains are cooked"

'If it tastes good, spit it out!'

Signs that colas are making you fat. . .

'That's the second gold tooth he's swallowed.'

"I'm giving you the best advice I can. Early care and a few simple preventive measures can save your credit rating."

'Your cholesterol is high.'