Health-conscious Humorists Gifts

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"I see an accident and a trip to the hospital. Lucky for you, I also sell clean underwear."

"I'll have a double-dip hedge against osteoporosis."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

'Caution: this tomato soup combines with our chicken noodle soup can form a lethal nerve gas.'

Pink Slime Burger

'You've got to cure my snoring, Doc! -- I'm afraid I'll lose my job with the Government!'

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

'My wife's on a diet. Do you have anything like chocolate covered celery?'

'Give up wine, women, and if you still insist on song, take singing lessons, you're flat.'

'It's a filthy and nasty habit, but at least, you won't end up with yellow teeth...'

'Hello, Pappa John's. I'll take 2 large pepperoni pizzas. Hey honey, do we want them to hold the health insurance?'

Fresh Antioxidants

'No, Neville. I don't think anyone will ever open a burger bar around here. Now, finish your carrion!'

'You've been eating your fruit in pie form, haven't you, Mrs. Sylvan?'

"Oh, the doctor told you not to work so hard, did he?... And does the doctor pay your salary?!"

Mask Effectiveness

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Centaur for Disease Control Says Wear a Mask

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

Antihistamine Rally At National Sinus Cavity

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

What's the antidote for wheat germ?