Health-conscious Humorists Gifts

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"I see an accident and a trip to the hospital. Lucky for you, I also sell clean underwear."

"I'll have a double-dip hedge against osteoporosis."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

'Caution: this tomato soup combines with our chicken noodle soup can form a lethal nerve gas.'

Pink Slime Burger

Fat-free way; carb-free way.

'You've got to cure my snoring, Doc! -- I'm afraid I'll lose my job with the Government!'

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

'We can only offer you our basic dental plan: this dental floss and a pack of sugar-free gum.'

'My wife's on a diet. Do you have anything like chocolate covered celery?'

'Give up wine, women, and if you still insist on song, take singing lessons, you're flat.'

Rejected fast food promotions.

'It's a filthy and nasty habit, but at least, you won't end up with yellow teeth...'

'Hello, Pappa John's. I'll take 2 large pepperoni pizzas. Hey honey, do we want them to hold the health insurance?'

Fresh Antioxidants

'No, Neville. I don't think anyone will ever open a burger bar around here. Now, finish your carrion!'

'You've been eating your fruit in pie form, haven't you, Mrs. Sylvan?'

"Oh, the doctor told you not to work so hard, did he?... And does the doctor pay your salary?!"

Sadie, we're not spring chickens. We need to write living wills in case we get real sick. I hate thinking about that stuff. I won't deal with it. I won't. Sweetums, I know it's scary. But everybody is thinking about this these days. I want to be kept plugged into my iPad. I'll have a low-carb feeding tube.

My mom's filling in while I'm on vacation. ICE CREAM* *With purchase of one vegetable.

Mask Effectiveness

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Centaur for Disease Control Says Wear a Mask

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

Antihistamine Rally At National Sinus Cavity

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."