Health-conscious Comedians Gifts

"Then it struck me - nobody originally on the Paleo Diet lived past 35."

Tombstones have names of vegetables on them.

Resolutions: Avoid Stuff that's bad for you. . Stop lyring to yourself about making resolutions.

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"What> Fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

Formally foods that were good for you.

"I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?"

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'