Health Conscious Comedy Fan Gifts

'He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house in. Obviously a non-smoker.'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"Eat lots of carrots."

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"Thank God!"

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."