Health Conscious Comedy Fan Gifts

'He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house in. Obviously a non-smoker.'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

M.D. You burned a hole in your stomach --- eat only bland foods from now on! No more spicy food?! It's a season-ending injury!

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"It says here you've been experiencing peels of thunder�"

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

New anti-obesity cookbook.

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

Formally foods that were good for you.

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"Thank God!"

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."