Health-conscious Humor Fan Gifts

The big bad wolf uses an inhaler before he blows down the three little pigs' straw house.

'Your blood pressure is skyhigh! No more salt lick for you!'

"How many units of alcohol do you kid yourself that you consume weekly?"

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

M.D. You burned a hole in your stomach --- eat only bland foods from now on! No more spicy food?! It's a season-ending injury!

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'It was at this point that I insisted all employees eat their vegetables.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"It says here you've been experiencing peels of thunder�"

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."