Health-conscious Humor Lover Gifts

Lard Lite - Marketing

Smoke choking smoker

'Don't bite, Pete... Think of your wife, think of your children!'

'I haven't managed to cut them out completely but I have cut back to only one cup of coffee and one cigarette per day.'

I Speak Your Weight: "Lay off the pizza and chips!"

'I better stay clear of that place -- I'm lactose intolerant!'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Side effects may include....'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Groups of menopausal women in clinic.

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

NHS notice - This is a bring your own bed hospital

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?