Health-conscious Humor Gifts

'Of course I'm at work with a fever of 104. I'm not going to waste a sick day off when I'm actually sick!'

If you eat like that you'll get fat and die.

'It's a vicious circle: If I can't catch fresh food, I eat junk food, which makes me even less likely to be able to catch fresh food...'

"Oi...use the bloody ashtray!"

"Maybe next week when I'm feeling a little better."

"We don't need menus. Just pick the healthiest dish you have and give it to us deep fried."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Side effects may include....'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Groups of menopausal women in clinic.

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

NHS notice - This is a bring your own bed hospital

"One slice—hold the bread."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"I didn't even get a balloon."