Health-conscious Humorist Pillows

You really need to be careful about touching your face."

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

Hazard of texting

Theater masks wearing face masks

'Holding in your stomach won't help, sir.'

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"You're not allergic to molds or pollen. But you are interest-rate sensitive."

'We've had reports you're an unfit mother.'

"Eat lots of carrots."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Chicken pox, Detox, Botox

"After extensive X-Rays and blood tests, we've confirmed what we already suspected - You're not big boned, your fat."

'The doctor said I need more calcium in my diet, so I'm switching from dark chocolate to milk chocolate.'

'No, being forty is not the result of an aging disease.'

Good for you/Good for you in moderation.

'Ah! This is the life...' - 'No phones. No computers. No hassle.' - 'All I have to do is lie out in the sun...' - '...and fret endlessly about skin cancer.'

'No thanks. I read somewhere that late night snacking can be bad for your health.'

'I eat plenty of fast food, but I just seem to be getting slower and slower!'

It occurred to Norman that he was using far, far too much salt.

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

'Lose weight? -- Why do I always get the health-nut doctors?'

'And I bet that's only the packaging!'

'You're going to go on a diet.'

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"Of course she looks great. Ever check out the preservatives on her ingredients list?"

"I'm giving you the best advice I can. Early care and a few simple preventive measures can save your credit rating."

"I don't think you two should see each other anymore. It turns out that he has a nut allergy."

The future of confessional

"You look great but the information from your health monitor is concerning me."

"Did you want a legal opinion with that?"

'I think it's time to diet. I'm beginning to see my backside from the front.'

Mobile Phones - "It goes ping when your brains are cooked"

Signs that colas are making you fat. . .