Health-conscious Comedian Pillows

'Sorry, I'm anticipating the pandemic.'

"Because sitting is bad for my health."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

I'm trying to eat healthier. Let's pick up pizza ourselves rather than having it delivered.

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

"I'm looking at your results, Mr. Dumpty...and your cholesterol is dangerously high!"

'Before I serve any food, please sign this waiver of legal liability for making you obese.'

'We had to discontinue the Super Colossal size. No one could afford the flood insurance.'

'How much have you lost so far?', '$375.00'

'Fred, you're not getting taller, just fatter.'

"Look, John... Suzi got an A+ on her school report about the dangers of second-hand smoke!"

"I'm doing backstroke because you said we shouldn't swim on a full stomach!"

"This says women live longer than men...mostly because they see a doctor more often. I only see a doctor when I'm sick."

"That reminds me - I could murder a steak!"

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"What> Fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"