Comedian With A Health Focus Pillows

'The 'Humungo Meal' comes with your choice of 2 sides...heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes or obesity.'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"What> Fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Eat lots of carrots."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

"I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?"

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'