Successful Diagnosis Gifts

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

"I'm afraid that you have gnumonia."

'He had bulging muscles and a wallet to match!'

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'Good luck with your exams' (mountain climbers).

"What - you got As in Maths, Nature, Science and English? Son, haven't you watched the news or looked online - if you want to succeed nowadays you have to be dumb as dirt!"

"I got the highest grade in the class, except the giraffe."

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Bedside Manna.

'I guess I don't need to ask how your new hip is working out.'

Surprise Party

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."