Receiving A Diagnosis Gifts

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

'I checked our database. Your disease is so rare, there hasn't been a single telathon for it.'

"I realize the diagnosis is serious and raises many questions, but let's try to address them in order. We'll look at various treatment options, make a list of the best clinics to consider, and then determine what color ribbon you should be wearing."

"Let me put it this way - I wouldn't buy any bananas that are too green."

'Look on the bright side - your disease is very popular among Hollywood celebrities.'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'I've just been next door and from what the doctor said, it's not really worth me going home...'

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."

"I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed..."

"Forget railway season tickets. Stick to day returns from now on."

"I'm skipping straight to a second opinion, in the first one, I thought you were OK."

"You're dying, why are you smiling?"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"Sometimes it helps to turn a question around. Why not you?"

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Surprise Party

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

"You're in luck, in a way. Now is the time to be sick-while Medicare still has some money."

"Cancer patients are on the third floor. This is the psych ward. She wouldn't be here unless she was faking it."

"Good news! It's only cancer."