Facing A Diagnosis Gifts

"I'm going to a seance tomorrow night, so I'll give you your test results then."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"Sometimes it helps to turn a question around. Why not you?"

"Unfortunately there's no HMO for what you have"

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Man tapping a tuning fork on another man's knee

Flo figured that since she was using medical marijuana during chemo, she might as well go hippy retro.

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

Tunnel of Anxiety

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

'...Or, in layman's terms, Ay caramba!'

"My Alzheimers doctor. What can I do?"

Life and Death.

"Don't you think it's time to admit to yourself that this rash will not clear up on it's own."

"Forget railway season tickets. Stick to day returns from now on."

"I'm skipping straight to a second opinion, in the first one, I thought you were OK."

"I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed..."

"Your tests came back negative. But don't give us hope. If we run some more tests, we'll eventually find something."

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

"Amazing your knowledge of the virus, if anything, I should pay you."

"With symptoms like yours, you could be the next Batman!"

'Don't get your hopes up. In private practice, malt whisky and havana cigars mean you're terminal.'

Quasimodo visits his doctor - "I'm afraid you have Tinnitus!"

'Is there ANY good news, Doctor?' 'Well, you don't need to worry about scraping by on a pension.'

"Sooo, on the plus side, might as well start eating & drinking & smoking all you want."