Receiving Medical Diagnosis Gifts

"Give it to me straight, doc. . . can I still - eat, drink and be merry?"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

"The last time I heard a beat like this I was at a Grateful Dead concert."

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"Sometimes it helps to turn a question around. Why not you?"

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

Surprise Party

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

'Your sugar level is off the chart. Don't worry. We'll whip you back into shape in no time.'

"You're in luck, in a way. Now is the time to be sick-while Medicare still has some money."

"Cancer patients are on the third floor. This is the psych ward. She wouldn't be here unless she was faking it."

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

"Good news! It's only cancer."

'There's something wrong here. You have all these risk factors, and yet you're in excellent health.'

"First, the good news; you're not sterile."

X-ray of body shows skull.

"I'm glad you checked with me, but yes, I think it's safe for you to do the 'Hokey-Pokey.'"

"It seems all doctors agree with you, but I'd still like to get a 15th opinion."

'It's not that simple, Ms. Whelan. You vcan't just shop around until you find a disease you like.'

"Hop? Jig? Dance? You're a dancer? Sounds like? Prancer? Cancer? Cancer! I got cancer!"