Receiving Medical Test Results Gifts

'Er, so Mrs Trimble, the good news is we got your test results back in record time! . . .'

"First, the good news; you're not sterile."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

'I'm sorry son, parents don't like the 11 plus...'

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'Wilkins! Keep your eyes on your own cadaver!'

"Darn it, lost another swab."

Examiners.

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

No offense, Doctor, but I'm feeling kinda rushed.

'In this case, a new high score is not a good thing.'

'The ‘class clown' thing is my fault. I totally misjudged the crowd.'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'The doctor told me to avoid stress and then sends me a bill for $670.00.'

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

''Excellent','excellent','a delight' - for heaven's sake, don't you ever feel like rebelling a bit?'

"High sodium, high cholesterol, lots of toxins - your blood test is remarkably similar to cheap potato chips."

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

"The bloodwork came back kinda yucky."

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

'I got an 'A' in abstinence.'

"Some guys from the state board of medicine are here to see you."

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

Medical Treatment.

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

'Oh my god... oh my god...'

"That's really bad. Tell your parents it's fake news."

"Those D's are misleading."

"Forget railway season tickets. Stick to day returns from now on."

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

The Mark of Zorro

"Which do you want first, the good news that sounds better than it is or the bad news that seems worse than you expected?"

"I'm skipping straight to a second opinion, in the first one, I thought you were OK."

"I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed..."