Diagnostics Gifts

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

'I specialize in unpronounceable diseases.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

"Dr. Horton and I have discovered something we don't like. Our hope is that you, on the other hand, will grow to like it."

'I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...'

'Yes, I could 'take a wild guess', but I think I'll do some tests.'

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

"There are two types of cholesterol - the good type, then the one you've got."

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

"Unfortunately these tests show that the test you've just had has caused cancer."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

'Yeah, the radiology job market is really hot right now - it's so hot I think I'm getting third degree burns! I gotta go!'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

"I'm afraid that you have gnumonia."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

Bedside Manna.

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

Surprise Party

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

"You're in luck, in a way. Now is the time to be sick-while Medicare still has some money."

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"