Diagnostics Pillows

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

'I specialize in unpronounceable diseases.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

"Dr. Horton and I have discovered something we don't like. Our hope is that you, on the other hand, will grow to like it."

'I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...'

'Yes, I could 'take a wild guess', but I think I'll do some tests.'

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

"There are two types of cholesterol - the good type, then the one you've got."

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

"Unfortunately these tests show that the test you've just had has caused cancer."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

'Yeah, the radiology job market is really hot right now - it's so hot I think I'm getting third degree burns! I gotta go!'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

"I'm afraid that you have gnumonia."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

Bedside Manna.

Surprise Party

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'