Diagnosis Detective Gifts

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'This is my twin brother. He's going to give you the second opinion you asked for...'

'I think I know what you've got, but it'll take a specialist to pronounce it.'

"Well, you can get a second opinion, but that's going to really hurt my feelings!"

'I couldn't find anything wrong. You'll need to see a nook and cranny specialist.'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'I've already been to another doctor about this - I'm just here for a second guess.'

'I specialize in unpronounceable diseases.'

'What you have is so rare that I don't know whether to name it after you or for myself.'

"All your tests came back negative -- You've been wasting my valuable time."

"Your tests came back negative. But don't give us hope. If we run some more tests, we'll eventually find something."

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"

"Good news! Remember I said you are a hypochondriac?"

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

"It seems all doctors agree with you, but I'd still like to get a 15th opinion."

'However, it's pronounced- I'm sure that's what I have!'

'You say he's had chills and tummy ache?...'

Medicine's Myriad Mysteries - "Cold?", "Muscle strain?"...

'Now that your tests are back, we can start a whole new round of tests...'

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'You have quite an acid stomach.'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

Why do medical test results always come back on a Monday so we have to wait through the whole weekend to get our life-and-death results? You've signed a mouthful.

Christmas Quiz: Is it covid, a hangover, or just life with small children?

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Disease Management

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"....H....5....N...1...???You got me.... but I'm sure it spells trouble."