Self-diagnosis Detective Gifts

'Don't believe everything you read on the net.'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

"That would be in Aisle Six, the worried-well section."

Sara M. Decided for once not to check Web MD

"I have a pain right here. I think it might be appendicitis."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

"I've searched every book, also the internet, so in desperation. . . I've come to see you, doctor."

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'I was all right till I read, 'Your Gall Bladder and You.'

"Just as I thought Brian... Cybercondria."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'Your father installed a security system.'

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."