Self-diagnosing Detective Gifts

'Professor, why did you choose to become a leading authority on medicinally important plants?' 'I'm a hypochondriac!'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'Your father installed a security system.'

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

"It seems all doctors agree with you, but I'd still like to get a 15th opinion."

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'