Self-diagnoser Gifts

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'

"ER says she was Googling diseases."

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

"Existentialist Trail. Get lost then found. Nietzsche Park System"

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

Man to date about many self-portraits on his wall: 'Self-realization is where I'm headed.'

"Every time I explore the corners of my mind, I have the urge to dust."

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"Adolescencia"

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

Man looking down long telescope at himself.

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

'I just feel so used all the time.'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

After a lifetime of searching, Leonard finds himself.

"Papi! Papi! I figured it out! I know exactly what I'm gonna be when I grow up!"

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

'Being yourself is not helping this marriage, Jack.'

"I'm trying to be myself and you're not helping."

'I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid!'

"I always felt as if the child inside me had to be accompanied by an adult."

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I'm worried that I might be dead."