Self-diagnosis Enthusiast Gifts

'I couldn't diagnose this ailment on the internet, so I was forced to come to you.'

I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I've either got swine fever,rift valley fever,bovine spongiform encelophalopathy,bluetongue or a stubbed toe!

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

"Amazing your knowledge of the virus, if anything, I should pay you."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

"I feel like there's a chick in me trying to escape."

Bob began seeing his mother, who gave him up for adoption, professionally, three times a week. It didn't help much.

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

'The therapy did help your husband find his inner child, unfortunately his inner child is called Dwayne.'

'All his life, Mel has been convinced that he's a poster boy for something... he's just never been able to figure out what, exactly.'

"I'm desperate to have an inner child of my own."

"I get the feeling you're still keeping a lot of yourself inside."

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'I'm prescribing a patch to help you get over your inhibitions. Put it over your eye and pretend you're a pirate!'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

Self-realization.

Good golly! I'm some kind of bird!

"Once I figured out who and what I was, doors just opened for me."

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

'Tell me your name and I'll tell you who you are!'

"No, a fear of snakes is not unusual, but in your case..."

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'