Self-diagnosing Gifts

Sara M. Decided for once not to check Web MD

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'I'm feeling GREAT but I'm worried that might just be a SYMPTOM!'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

Man looking down long telescope at himself.

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

'Tell me your name and I'll tell you who you are!'

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

"Sigh...Iconoclastic, but not an icon."

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I'm worried that I might be dead."

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

St Ninian, patron saint of hypochondriacs

'My problem is that I'm a nice guy.'

"ER says she was Googling diseases."

'Professor, why did you choose to become a leading authority on medicinally important plants?' 'I'm a hypochondriac!'

"Amazing your knowledge of the virus, if anything, I should pay you."

'I'm an honest person but when I take an online survey, I'm a big liar.'

Are you a Questionnaire Addict?

'Is there ANY good news, Doctor?' 'Well, you don't need to worry about scraping by on a pension.'

"That would be in Aisle Six, the worried-well section."