Diagnosing Gifts

'What you have is so rare that I don't know whether to name it after you or for myself.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Prostate: 51st State

'Yeah, the radiology job market is really hot right now - it's so hot I think I'm getting third degree burns! I gotta go!'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

"I'm afraid that you have gnumonia."

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

Bedside Manna.

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"We're going to beat this thing apart."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

Surprise Party

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."