Illness Diagnosis Gifts

'You're in luck! A famous movie star has your disease, so there's been a telethon, and drug companies are working on a cure.'

'I'm not talking to you now as your doctor, but as a pretend friend.'

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"He has a terrible peanut elegy."

Man reads note, which reads: Have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I don't know where your dinner is.

'My diagnostic software is acting up. It says you are pregnant.'

'I thought it might help you get your mind off things. It's a story of hope and survival. Nothing at all like your story.'

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'Biggest damn virus I've ever seen!'

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Surprise Party

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'You're eating all the wrong food.'

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

"You're in luck, in a way. Now is the time to be sick-while Medicare still has some money."

'I'll let my colleague explain.'

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

"Cancer patients are on the third floor. This is the psych ward. She wouldn't be here unless she was faking it."

'There's something wrong here. You have all these risk factors, and yet you're in excellent health.'

"Good news! It's only cancer."

'I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...'

X-ray of body shows skull.

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

"It seems all doctors agree with you, but I'd still like to get a 15th opinion."

"Hop? Jig? Dance? You're a dancer? Sounds like? Prancer? Cancer? Cancer! I got cancer!"