Suburban Soldier Gifts

'The growing field of lawn enforcement'.

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"He loves his leaf blower."

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"It may have been just a kick-about in the garden, but Eric took things very seriously."

Wake the eff up with the official New York City alarm clock. Choose your distress signal: car horns, sirens, barking, heat pipes, mouse feet. Guaranteed to disturb!

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

Tortured Plank

"I hate when a parking spot in the city opens up."

Nun confronts mugger.

"When the heck did leaf blowers become grass blowers?!"

"Prepare to meet thy blower."

Pasadena Playhouse War

It was going to be a subdivision, but they ran out of snow. Chilly Hills Estates.

Lawrence of Suburbia

Skimming out star reflections

Urban Expansion

'Wow, that shift almost got us.'

"I think it's the road to Stressville...."

"Lemonade" "Vodka"

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

"Zero to 60 in 4 seconds. Think of it! You'll be the fastest guy to the next red light!"

Pardon our dust as we continue to remodel every square inch of planet Earth!

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

"She already spent summers in New York City without A/C."

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Do you validate?" "What? No, there's no parking lot. It's just street parking. And that's free." "I know. But I came in to get a coffee yesterday morning at 7:59. The line was so long that I didn't get out of here till 8:02. Apparently you had street cleaning that started at 8am." "I'm not following." "It was your long line. The least you could do is validate the parking ticket they gave me." "Get out."

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

Sign: Gritty Urban Experience, Next 10 Exits.

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

Poker Moms