Subtle Gift-giver Pillows

'Either something sexy that doesn't say 'sex', or something not sexy that does say 'sex'.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

Cheeze Wiz.

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

Christmas Presents.

Balloon dog poos.

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

Kissing the Fish

'Head down...eye on the ball...'

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

Rent a Room With Hot Water

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

Tipping Pain Chart

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

State of the Art Dog.

Cat has swallowed computer mouse.

'Okay,stay close, and stay alert! Looks like we're heading into BIG CAT COUNTRY!'

'No, don't tell me...split personality.'

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

"Well thank you, and may I say you look quite handsome too..."