Subtle Gift-giver Pillows

'Either something sexy that doesn't say 'sex', or something not sexy that does say 'sex'.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

Christmas Presents.

Kissing the Fish

Balloon dog poos.

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

Tipping Pain Chart

Rent a Room With Hot Water

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

State of the Art Dog.

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

"Well thank you, and may I say you look quite handsome too..."

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

Cat has swallowed computer mouse.

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

'Okay,stay close, and stay alert! Looks like we're heading into BIG CAT COUNTRY!'

'No, don't tell me...split personality.'