Unconventional Gift-giver Pillows

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

Christmas Presents.

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

'Please enter your pin now.'

'Hand these out to the workforce.'

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

Rent-a-Drama: "How many tweens will you need for your event?"

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

WC problem.

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."