Studio Executive Gifts

"It's like 'Family Circus' meets 'The Wire,' but on a cruise ship."

Hollywood Studio - 'We can only pay you $20million for your next film - video piracy is killing the film industry.'

Hollywood Think Tank

"No offense, Lou, but you're a money guy, not a movie guy."

"We started losing money right around the time we decided to just lazily remake old movies with the race or gender of the main character switched from the original." "We're burning through cash and we urgently need to course correct and try something different." "So we're going to make fresh stories with new and interesting characters?" "What?" "No."

Mega Studios. Box Office. It's a box office bust?! That's my definition of a horror movie!

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

'Hang on a minute...'

"It starts out with a standard romantic plot: Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, wins her back, Girl kills Boy, devours his head and lays eggs in his carcass. Ok, now here's the twist..."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

'If only every year was an election year.'

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'It says our line printer is obsolete our remote terminal is obsolete, and I'm afraid, we're obsolete.'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'NBC has revealed plans for a new, humorous version of The Office.'

'I just love this new reality show, TRADING BANK ACCOUNTS!'

Newspaper suicide.

"'C' is for free CONTENT!"

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'