Movie Studio Executive Gifts

"You know that kid that submitted a screenplay to us on the back of a restaurant menu? I'm passing on it. I like the screenplay, but I hate that restaurant."

Movie Franchise

"The role is subtly nuanced and the person we choose has to bring a sense of 'lots of money for the producers' to the part."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

'If only every year was an election year.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Old sea captains queue to see Monster Whale Revenge.

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'It says our line printer is obsolete our remote terminal is obsolete, and I'm afraid, we're obsolete.'

"I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think." "About what, little buddy?" "Star Trek. The last movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus." "Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives."

'I just love this new reality show, TRADING BANK ACCOUNTS!'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Downsizing.

Oh no ... Outsourcing

'Hang on a minute...'

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"I have the profit sharing figures. You owe the company �2,367.25."

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

TV Situations vacant.

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"We started losing money right around the time we decided to just lazily remake old movies with the race or gender of the main character switched from the original." "We're burning through cash and we urgently need to course correct and try something different." "So we're going to make fresh stories with new and interesting characters?" "What?" "No."