Stock Symposium Satirist Gifts

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I will now answer questions on everything except my salary and perks.'

Spot the difference.

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

'The fourth quarter was no walk in the park. Especially for those who count on us to walk in the park.'

This government special reserve fund is like a cookie jar for crooked cronies!

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

"We disagree with the president - we kinda like Robin Hood - we take from everyone and keep it - how much more successful can you get?"

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

'The 'free market' economic theory is falling!'

Your son has a genetic inability to calculate. This forecasts for him a brilliant career in the Ministry of Finance.

Offshore tax havens.

'Cutting back to a single securities regulator is a good idea. After that, one more reduction and our troubles are over.'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'