Shareholder Satirist Gifts

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Another day at work would be one too many...

Born In Captivity.

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'