Satirical Stock Savant Gifts

"Today, the Cuban cigar closed higher against the US dollar, the pound, Yen, Yuan, and the Chinese egg roll."

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

Spot the difference.

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

It's okay Mom! As a broker, I'm under supervision of the SEC!

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'It's cheaper than gas.'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

"Up market, down market - he's still the same old curmudgeon."

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

"In an unexpected development, the market behaved rationally today."

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Get me some shares in public opinion.'

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'