Satirical Investment Enthusiast Gifts

'If you had $10,000, where would you invest it for the short term?'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'I blame Iceland - it's PAYBACK!'

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

'Oh my God!! The economy's in ruins! There's no money!'

"Can money buy happiness? Certainly not the amount I'm paying you."

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

'Your investments in sub prime mortgages have become collectors items now! Aren't you excited?'

"The scammers managed to clear out your entire pension fund."

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

The New Square Mile Regulator.

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.