Satirical Stock Enthusiast Gifts

"This doesn't look good."

The day the stock market went UP.

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"We've called this special Stocholders meeting because we want all of our stock back."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Here's a list of fools. Make it happen.'

"You will be visited by three ghosts - the Ghost of Porfolios Past, The Ghost of Present Positions and the Ghost of Commodities Future."

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

Cheer up, you'll get your day.

"Most of what I want this year is listed on the Nasdaq."

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'Stocks were high...then low...then suddenly high again on news of a new drug to treat mood swings...'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

"Who's on duty today...you or me?"

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'I actually look forward to hibernating during bull markets.'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."