Stock Market Satirist Gifts

'...the Market's rallied again.'

'And this is our research department...'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'Stocks finished higher today, paced by rising drug and fuel costs, divorces,malpractice suits,bankruptcy fees and medical bills.'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'It's great to see someone Yogi Berra-ish on the market.'

"I haven't traded stocks in a while, so my broker charged me an inactivity fee."

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

A vacancy in the Finance Department

'My attorney will explain why calling it a 'bear market' makes me a victim of profiling.'

The Contrarian funds

'Is there any way to invest in late fees?'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

"In market news, Holly, Mistletoe and fruitcakes are up."

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."

"Well Wendy, results were mixed this week - interest rates edged up, while hte lowest common denominator was down. Again."

'I'm worried about an upcoming depression, so I'm putting most of my money in accident insurance.'

Destitute, Please Help (No Shares Please).

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'Well, well, well -- Mister Big Capitalist had a little stock income, did he?'

'Former wall street financial whiz will work for obscene salary, bonus,perks...'

'I'm Albert Mooney, your temp broker, and I'm on a work release program outa attica.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

STRIP Paid in Stock

'Our shares are so low, they're all ended up in the Isles of Wight.'

'Well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

'If the economy tanks, there are some hunting, gathering and crude instrument stocks I would recommend.'

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

"Does insider trading apply to us?"

Bailouts undermine the greenback.

Chinese stock market jitters

The Stock Market...August 22 - 16 days before Labor Day.