Satirical Stockholder Gifts

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

GPS Shoes

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

"My plan moving forward involves fire and Brazilian passports."

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

"I was doing pretty well in the stock market until I discovered there were laws."

'Even if we did skin you last year, you may not deduct your dermatologist bill this year.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

Masochism for stockholders.

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."