Boardroom Satirist Gifts

"The purpose of this meeting is finding someone who will take the blame for my bad decisions."

"Turning our dismal performance around might be easier if we eliminated our ethics committee."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'I want you to remove all references to bribery from out mission statement.'

"Now that you are all my little drones, I encourage you to speak my mind."

'Remember, it's not a lie if it makes us money.'

"I called this meeting to announce a new partnership that I believe will turn this company around."

"Well, that satisfies our financial requirement."

'According to our research only ten percent of what we do is reprehensible, but it accounts for one hundred percent of our profits.'

'I want to thank you for your spontaneous and overwhelming support...'

'Massive unpredictability is absolutely certain, maybe.'

'We're a democracy here, as long as everyone votes in favour of what I want!'

'I'm here to see you, Kleinfelter - I'm through negotiating with your puppets.'

"As you can see, Henderson has no brain."

"Make money the way most people do. By telling them what they want to hear."

'It's a meeting to discuss sharing costs within the syndicate. Your bill for the biscuits is 27p.'

"This better not be another one of your crazy pyramid schemes."

"Staffing cuts were INEVITABLE if we were going to be able to afford paying a consultant to write a paper on the impact of making the cuts."

"To avoid accusations of sexism, be a sweetie Dalrymple and make tea."

"I've found if I squint my eyes and frown, it looks like I'm concentrating rather than sleeping.".

"There's Reynolds and his 'view from the top.'"

'The company has got a long term strategy. Let our successors in a few years clean up the mess we bring about today.'

'I just can't shake the feeling they prefer you to me.'

'Of course, we're all a*******.. but that has nothing to do with INTEGRITY!'

"Right, we could go with the ethical decision, but let's not panic yet."

'Just hold on! Screaming never solved anything.'

Hand puppet company boss uses puppet to tell employee: 'You're fired!'

'After careful analysis of the company's market projections, Carl will now brief us on plans for retooling...'

'The only reason we're merging is so I can find my son-in-law a job.'

"It says something about our management team that they had to subcontract brainstorming."

"Any questions?" (Company's down the toilet.)

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"

"I knew it! He's lip-syncing."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'