Boardroom Comedian Gifts

'At this point, I'll ask all of you to follow me to the conference room directly below us!'

'In these estimates, I've tried, like always, to err on the side of total lunacy.'

'To sum up, today's business world can be divided into 2 categories: companies that get it, and companies that don't!' 'Get what?' 'Make that 3 categories.'

'Our CFO isn't available. He left the company to join the Witness Protection Program.'

'Today's theme is 'Getting Beyond Group Think'.'

"Thank you gentlemen for voting me as chairman."

"Could be worse, we could be that guy."

"We won't be mailing out our quarterly report. Our profits were obscene and postal regulations prohibit mailing obscene material."

'Who says we vote ourselves a huge pay rise, then spend the rest of the AGM practicing our humble expressions?'

"I, too, hate being a greedy bastard, but we have a responsibility to our shareholders."

'The 'meows' have it...'

'I blame him!'

'Now let's stop clowning around.'

'You can hold your breath all you want, Carl, but we are not going to use your budgeting plan.'

"As board members, we need to speak with one voice, I'm suggesting Donald Duck."

Okay! Enough of the screaming, hands-in-the-air roller coaster thing!

"Let's try it again, sir - but with a tad more conviction when you tell the lies."

"That's a Hula Hoop. I asked you to find a loophole."

'My goal for our company to be a square on the Monopoly board.'

Presentation Skills: 1. Preparation

Is this meeting a prequel or a sequel to the last one?

Man pulling a chair away before his colleague sits down in an ethics committee office.

'The chair takes note of the Minority Report... now on to new business...'

'Of course, things are looking up --- from where we are, everything is up.'

"This may seem counter intuitive, but maybe the solution is to lighten up."

Meeting room: "You said 'come prepared', remember?"

"We need to replace our mission statement with an excuse."

"We had a higher than expected income. We didn't expect any income at all."

'So that's why they keep an eyewash station in the boardroom.'

"Now remember, you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Or like me, you can be part of the ambiguity."

Emotional Incontinence Pads

'Would you believe it took 60 people and a half a million dollars to come up with that?'

"It's called a 'taser', which brings us to some of the changes you'll be experiencing in our style of management."

"He's been studying The Art of Bore."

'Why don't more of you appreciate my wry sense of humor?'