Boardroom Humorist Gifts

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

"Which brings us to my next point."

'My job is to make decisions. Your job is to make them good decisions.'

'Let's begin our meeting. . . everybody talk, nobody listen.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

We found 'im!

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'Let's all link hands and think positive thoughts...'

'I realize you were just saying what everyone was thinking . . .and if you do it again you're fired.'

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

"We want a woman to join the board and we all agree you're our an, Ms Adams."

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'I'm willing to step up and accept full responsibility as soon as it starts turning around..'

'If the S.E.C. had its way... we could only report what we earned.'

'I want a win-win situation where both wins are ours.'

Boss: '...Let's not forget who our customers are!' (It turns out they just have one left).

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

The Advantages of a Solo Meeting: 'The proposal passed by unanimous consent.'

"Innovation requires curiosity...and that's why I've hired..."

"We must never take for granted the precious gift of hindsight."

'The only negative is he made A's on his business ethics class.'

'That's really not necessary, gentlemen, but it doesn't hurt.'

"Using worst case scenario as a baseline, I consider this data quite encouraging."

"I told you it would be a mistake linking directors' pay to profits."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Ladies and gentlemen, the only way we can salvage this situation is to move to a taller room...'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

'Then it's agreed...We put the greater good on the back burner.'

"It's been unanimously decided that we don't like this table. Could you show us another model?"

"One final question, will you be taking prisoners?"

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

"But won't absconding with the company's funds cast the board in a bad light?"

How Not To Negotiate