Stock Sufferer Gifts

'I know I'm a small investor. What makes me mad is that when I started with you I was a large investor."

The day the stock market went UP.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"We've called this special Stocholders meeting because we want all of our stock back."

'They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Here's a list of fools. Make it happen.'

"You will be visited by three ghosts - the Ghost of Porfolios Past, The Ghost of Present Positions and the Ghost of Commodities Future."

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

'This app is linked to my financial advisor and provides simulated hand holding when the market is down.'

"Most of what I want this year is listed on the Nasdaq."

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

Fairy Tales. The piggy bank's been smiling a lot lately. He's the only one who didn't lose his savings in the stock market meltdown.

'Stocks were high...then low...then suddenly high again on news of a new drug to treat mood swings...'

"Who's on duty today...you or me?"

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

Bull and Bear Nightmare

'It's scoundrel time . . . '

"Oh I don't know - if you've seen one wall street crash, yhou've seen them all."

"My favorite time of year is earnings season."

Fortune - Lost a Fortune.

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

Sign reading "Bought High; Sold Low."

'Today the market fell because Bernanke said the word 'down' more than once in a speech.'

Stock Exchange. I don't worry about whether or not stocks are going to fall. I worry about whether they're going to bounce or go "splat" when they do fall.

'I'm sorry, the stock market got to me first.'

'The New York stock exchange is up twelve and a half points n early trading. Nasdaq is down on and a quarter!'

'Get my broker on the phone, please, stock not pawn?'

"I invested $1000 in Nortel and now my shares are worth 18 cents."

Easy street ends.

'We ran your portfolio through the Bull-O-Meter and it showed excellent growth potential. . .'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

'I'll show you my investment opportunity if you'll show me yours.'

Investments: thrill-seekers welcome.

"Apparently shares can go down, as well as plunging into meltdown and spinning into free-fall."